Experiencing A Day of the HIV-positive
I was on the way to the hospital. Summer was coming but I was shivering in an autorickshaw. I was afraid what I would listen from doctor. I was afraid because I couldn't stop thinking 'if I have to wrap up my life…', and out of fear and anxiety, I just closed my eyes. In the end, there was only one sentence in my mind: How did they deal with all these emotions?
I was working as an NGO worker in India. I lived with children from persecuted tribes and I also worked for people living with HIV/AIDS. I was in charge of administrative documents, mainly to connect children with sponsors in Korea. As I visited them regularly, I had to stay healthy not only for myself but also for them.
I always had plenty of work to do and it sometimes made me exhausted and sick. One night, I felt fever. I took medicine before going to bed. The next morning what I saw in the mirror was closer to zombie or Frankenstein rather than human being. I looked very bad, and indeed I couldn't even get out of my room. I canceled all the schedule and took a rest. I knew that I had been overstraining, so I didn't take it seriously. I just thought it would be okay soon.
But it wasn't. I couldn't even drink water. I suffered from diarrhea, vomiting, high fever and shivering all day long. Everyone in the same house got nervous. They were so worried about me, but it was not the only reason.
At that time, pig influenza was widespread in the city. At least two or three people died in a day, and that was what we read every day in the newspaper. Furthermore, a day before I got sick, I had visited one of the HIV-positive family, and there was a woman who had had same symptoms with mine. I started to get nervous, and I could see that others felt the same way. I googled 'symptoms of pig influenza' and it didn't help me out. One of my co-worker might have done same thing and she asked me: "Didi(sister in Hindi), do you cough?" That was the only positive thing I could fine. I didn't cough.
When I finished vomiting, I thought I would not get better by myself. I really didn't want to go out as I felt like vomiting all the time, but I had to go to see a doctor. I went to the hospital, and it was only five minutes distance by autorickshaw. In the rickshaw, I started to think about my situation. I might be infected with pig influenza or something else. I might be a host of disease or virus. I may be die. I might not go back to Korea again. I imagined every possible negative scenarios, and it was all fine including getting HIV-positive. It would be so miserable and terrible, but it was me who had chosen life in India. I thought I could somehow get on my life. But if I die here, then how would my parents feel? It was me who had chosen, not them. I felt deeply sorry for them and I felt like crying. Even in hospital, I felt very uncomfortable. If I had been a host of any disease, I am causing harm to other people. I felt guilty just because of being there.
When I saw a doctor, he asked me some simple question with bored face. He briefly wrote prescription and I carefully asked him: "Is this any possibility of pig influenza?"
He didn't even look at me and answered. "No." I sighed in relief.
I cried a lot that night because I felt like I experienced 'A day of HIV-positive people'. They felt anxiety. They were feeble. They felt guilty. That's what I felt throughout the day. But there were big differences between me and them. I was not alone. I could take a rest all day. I had co-workers who lived with me and took care of me with love. I had no worry about medical expenses. Unlike me, they were mother or father who had to make a living, having worried about financial situation from living expenses to medical expenses.
I realized how strong they were. Some of them really wanted to die, and it usually meant that they needed support and help from others. Mostly they struggled their lives every day and they never gave up. They said it's because of their family, children, and love. It was love that kept them strong.
What I did in India was not to spoil poor people by pouring food and money. What I did was to stand together when they struggle to make it, to listen to them how they felt or how they are, and to sympathize with them. It was precious moment of my life that I could deeply sympathize with them. That night, I realized that EVERY MAN—not only them—are fatal. I know it sounds very natural, but it is different that you know something and you feel it by experience.
Yousun Jung
Your first paragraph made me really wonder what happened to you because it sounds so urgent. And you are so good at describing a situation that I could understand, if only a little, what you felt at that time. However, the sentence "That was the only positive thing I could fine" confused me. I think you meant 'find' instead of 'fine'? Other than that, it's a good and interesting story.
ReplyDeleteYukyung Bang
Always I read your writing first. Your writing is interesting and it is full of mature experience. What I really like is the 10th paragraph. From what you learned by your experience, I can recall my past and also think of beloved peoples.
ReplyDeleteBut here is one thing that I want to tell you : I think that your title is unremarkable. I titled my writing awful and it caused by my trying to make a brief and impressive one. Well I failed... About your title, It's not bad and seriously, the title tell us the truth! But I felt that it is little long. I think that you can make more impressive title.
Hyeonju Oh
A Day of the HIV-positive
ReplyDeleteI was on the way to hospital. Summer was coming but I was shivering in an autorickshaw. I was afraid of what I would listen from doctor. I was afraid because I couldn’t stop thinking ‘if I have to wrap up my life…’. Out of fear and anxiety, I just closed my eyes. In the end, there was only one sentence in my mind: How did they deal with all these emotions?
I was working as an NGO worker in India. I lived with children from persecuted tribes and I also worked for people living with HIV/AIDS. I was in charge of administrative documents, mainly to connect children with sponsors in Korea. As I visited them regularly, I had to stay healthy not only for myself but also for them.
I always had a lot of work to do and it sometimes made me exhausted and even sick. One night, I had high fever. I took a medicine before going to bed. The next morning what I saw in the mirror was closer to zombie or Frankenstein rather than human being. I looked very bad, and indeed I couldn’t even get out of my room. I canceled all the schedule and took a rest. I knew that I had been overstraining, so I didn’t take it seriously. I just thought it would be okay soon.
But it wasn’t. I couldn’t even drink water. I suffered from diarrhea, vomiting, high fever and chill all day long. Everyone in the same house got nervous. They were so worried about me, but it was not the only reason.
At that time, pig influenza was widespread in the city. At least two or three people died in a day, and that was what we read every day in the newspaper. Furthermore, a day before I got sick, I had visited one of the HIV-positive family. One of them had had same symptoms with mine. I started to get nervous, and I could see others feeling the same way. I googled ‘symptoms of pig influenza’ but it didn’t help me out. One of my co-worker might have done same thing and she asked me: “Didi(sister in Hindi), do you cough?” That was the only positive thing I could find. I didn’t cough.
When I finished vomiting, I thought I would not get better by taking a rest. I really didn’t want to go out as I felt like vomiting all the time, but I had to go to see a doctor. The nearest hospital was only five-minute distance by autorickshaw. In the rickshaw, I started to think about my situation. I might be infected with pig influenza or something else. I might be a host of disease or virus. I may be die. I might not go back to Korea again. I imagined every possible negative scenarios, and I thought I would accept anything including getting HIV-positive. It would be so miserable and terrible, but it was me who had chosen life in India. I thought I could somehow get on my life. But if I die here, then how would my parents feel? It was me who had chosen, not them. I felt deeply sorry for them and I felt like crying. Even in hospital, I felt very uncomfortable. If I had been a host of any disease, I am causing harm to other people. I felt guilty just because of being there.
ReplyDeleteWhen I saw a doctor, he asked me some simple questions with bored face. He briefly wrote prescription and I asked him: “Is this any possibility of pig influenza?”
He didn’t even look at me and answered. “No.” I sighed in relief.
I cried a lot that night because I felt like I experienced ‘A day of HIV-positive people’. They felt anxiety. They were feeble. They felt guilty. That’s what I felt throughout the day. But there were big differences between me and them. I was not alone. I could take a rest all day. I had co-workers who lived with me and took care of me with love. I had no worry about medical expenses. Unlike me, they were mother or father who had to make a living, having worried about financial situation from living expenses to medical expenses.
I realized how strong they were. Some of them really wanted to die, and it usually meant that they needed support and help from others. Mostly they struggled their lives every day and they never gave up. They said it’s because of their family, children, and love. It was love that kept them strong.
What I did in India was not to spoil poor people by pouring food and money. What I did was to stand together when they struggle to make it, to listen to them how they felt or how they are, and to sympathize with them. It was precious moment of my life that I could deeply sympathize with them. That night, I realized that EVERY MAN—not only them— dies once. I know it sounds very natural, but it is different that you know something and you feel it by experience.