Moses Choi / Second Post / Tues 9-11 a.m.

Experiences that made me terrified to death

 

This story is about two experiences that happened to me, one at age 10 and another at age 20. Though these experiences are unrelated, they both made me terrified to death.

           First event happened when I was 10 years old. I went to a beach during summer vacation. I do not remember exactly, but it was somewhere on the east coast. Out on the sea, there was a rope indicating the limit, and everyone should stay within that limit. Just like everyone else, I was swimming and playing inside the rope. Soon, however, it felt too crowded and shallow for me to play near the coast, and so I swam over to the outer rope. As I got to the rope, I grabbed it with one hand, and enjoyed deeper, less crowded sea.

           It was then when a big wave hit me. Suddenly I drowned, and lost hold of the rope. I struggled to get out of the surface, and when I managed to do that, I realized that I was outside, even far from the rope. I panicked. I shouted and waved my hands, but no one seemed to notice me. That moment, I looked back. There was nothing but a horizon. I was really terrified because I felt like there is nothing that I can rely on. Luckily, not before long, another wave hit me, and pushed me back towards the beach. That day, I did not even dare to go inside the water again. That is the first experience that terrified me to death.

           10 years later, second event happened. I was born and raised in a Christian family, and I had never missed Sunday service since then. To look back, I was really faithful. It was then when the second wave hit me. I do not recall the exact reason, but suddenly I started to lose my faith. What was frustrating was that it was not something I wanted. Of course I prayed, and I tried really hard to believe what I had believed. However, I could not do that, and I started to feel what I felt 10 years ago. For me, it was like the whole world I had lived so far was crumbling down, and there was nothing to protect me. I, again, was terrified to death.

           That time I tried very hard to find the wave to push me back. I read some books, consulted some people I could trust. That helped me, but differently from the first event. As I do all those things, I came to realize, little by little, that it is okay to be outside of the rope. I even felt free, as time goes by, from that crowded tiny place surrounded by the rope. Now I am still outside of the rope, but I am fine with it. That is the second experience that terrified me to death.

Moses Choi