The Unforgettable Moment of My Life
Nine times. That's how many times I moved in my 12 years of primary education in three different countries. Anyone who might see this might think, I might be an expert or professional when it comes to moving and meeting new people. I thought I was too. But I wasn't.
This all happened on my graduation day.
"I don't want this to end."
Hugging my friends and crying, I kept repeating these words during my last week of high school and till my graduation day. At the time, I was 18 years old, a senior in high school. But unlike my friends who were already accepted and leaving the country for college, I didn't know what I was going to do. I had declined offers from American universities and instead was waiting for a reply from Japan. With an unclear future ahead of me, I was living under a mixture of both excitement and mostly fear.
With studying for the SATs and dealing with flooding school work and after school activities, I was waiting impatiently for this moment all through high school. I really was. But when the time came, I wasn't.
At the beginning of the graduation ceremony, I was okay. I was fine and even excited that I was finally graduating high school.
But as the class valedictorian finished her speech and we threw our graduation hats, my emotions broke. I couldn't stop crying.
"What am I going to do now? I'm going to miss this so much!"
Realizing that I just graduated high school and thinking about my future, I couldn't hold back my tears. Some were happy tears but most were as a result of my fear. I was scared that I wouldn't get into a university and that even if I got in, I wouldn't fit in.
I had thought that after all these years, I was brave and confident enough to meet people. After 12 years of moving around it had felt like a yearly routine for me to move schools and meet new people. But after thinking about leaving a place where I spent most of my childhood years, I was scared.
When it was time to take pictures, my family walked towards me. They were quite surprised to see me crying. I could tell that my mother was holding back her tears. She came up to me and said the words that I still remember until today.
"You can do it. You've done this before. I can't wait for what's to come next for your life."
Right away, I stopped crying and hugged my family. I think that was when it clicked; I shouldn't be scared, but should be grateful and happy. Looking at my dad who had been living alone for all those years and my mother who had been single-handily raising me, I knew that I should be grateful for the opportunities that I had been given and excited for what was to come next. I kept her words near my heart.
My mother was right. In that week, I received my acceptance letter from Japan and later that year I started my college life there. My experience in Japan turned out to be one of the most unforgettable and best times of my life. I had had faith in myself that I could do well in college and be excited for the future.
Every path in our life will not be easy or exciting, but I will always know that whatever comes, I should be excited.
Hyun Jee Kim
I liked how you started your story with just two words. When I read it, I became curious of what you did or experienced "nine times." I was impressed at how you matured through this experience. Also, I want to read about the good experiences you had in Japan.
ReplyDeleteI would like to suggest that you change some of the words or phrases. For me, some of them felt awkward. For example, instead of saying, "after thinking about" in your 9th paragraph, I think it would be better to say, "when I thought about..."
Also, I think some parts of your essay should not be in separate paragraphs.
Overall, I thought your essay was really touching.
-Alyssa Yoo-
A. "But as the class valedictorian finished her speech and we threw our graduation hats, my emotions broke. I couldn't stop crying." The way you write about what was happening at the moment and by moving on right after to how you felt during that moment made it more realistic, especially when you described how you felt by saying you couldn't stop.
ReplyDeleteB." After 12 years of moving around it had felt like a yearly routine for me to move schools and meet new people. But after thinking about leaving a place where I spent most of my childhood years, I was scared." In this paragraph, you talk about the place you spent your childhood years and how leaving it made you scared. But from the beginning of the essay you talk about moving around nine different times, so what confused me was where was the place you spent your childhood years?
C. Your introduction was not there before, I remember reading your writing last week and i see that this paragraph was added on. I think this was a good addition due to the fact that it made me want to read on. 9 times. I cant imagine what that would've been like and I wanted to see what kind of experiences you went through.
D."I had had faith in myself that I could do well in college and be excited for the future." I couldn't find any major flaws in your tense but this sentence had an error in tense. You can just write had once and "be" is another verb and it should be changed to past tense. I actually think it would be better if you rewrote the sentence to something like this: I had faith in myself that I would do well in college and thus, made me excited for the future.
E. I think for revision, or your final draft, I think elaborating on the last paragraph and going into more detail would make the ending just more rewarding~
Goodjob overall!! :]
-Young Woo Kim
Final Draft HYUN JEE KIM
ReplyDeleteThe Unforgettable Moment of My Life
Nine times. That's how many times I moved in my 12 years of education in three different countries. Anyone would think that I might be an expert or professional when it comes to moving and meeting new people. I thought I was too. But I wasn't.
This all happened on my graduation day.
At the time, I was 18 years old, a senior at an international school in Thailand. But unlike my friends who were already accepted and leaving the country for college, I didn't know what I was going to do. I had declined offers from American universities and instead was waiting for a reply from Japan. With an unclear future ahead of me, I was living under a mixture of both excitement and mostly fear.
"This is the end! We are graduating!"
Hugging my friends and crying, I kept repeating these words during my last week of high school and till my graduation day.
At the beginning of the graduation ceremony, I was okay. I was fine and even excited that I was finally graduating high school. But as the class valedictorian finished her speech and we threw our graduation hats, my emotions broke. I couldn't stop crying.
"What am I going to do now? I'm going to miss this so much!"
Realizing that I just graduated high school and thinking about my future, I couldn't hold back my tears. Some were happy tears but most were as a result of my fear. I was scared that I wouldn't get into a university and that even if I got in, I wouldn't fit in.
After 12 years of moving around, it had felt like a yearly routine for me to move schools and meet new people. I had thought that after all these years I was brave and confident enough to meet people. However, this was different. I had spent most of my high school years in Thailand. Four Years. That was the longest amount of time I had spent in one school, in one country. I felt like I had finally found a place where I truly belonged with the people I love. But after thinking about leaving a place where I called ‘home’, I was scared.
When it was time to take pictures, my family walked towards me. They were quite surprised to see me crying. I could tell that my mother was holding back her tears. She came up to me and said the words that I still remember until today.
"You can do it. You've done this before. I can't wait for what's to come next for your life."
Right away, I stopped crying and hugged my family. I think that was when it clicked; I shouldn't be scared, but should be grateful and happy. Looking at my dad who had been living alone for all those years and my mother who had been single-handily raising me, I knew that I should be grateful for the opportunities that I had been given and excited for what was to come next. I kept her words near my heart.
My mother was right. In that week, I received my acceptance letter from Japan and later that year I started my college life there. My experience in Japan turned out to be one of the most unforgettable and best times of my life.
3 years later, now I'm a junior at HUFS. I ended up moving back to Korea due to my dad’s opposition. I can’t say I wasn’t worried or scared. But that feeling ended within a blink of an eye. I had had faith in myself that I could do well in Korea and be excited for the future.
For sure, every path in our life will not be easy or exciting. But, I will always know that whatever comes, I should be excited.