Secret garden
"We have to hide!" When I ran away from the attack of the other troop, I felt sort of sense of crisis. Most of my soldiers were scattered and the village was too small so that the enemy could find us easily. We moved down to the yard where the small forest was nearby. What I really wanted then was the place that could be a new base for my troop. And I decided to lead remnants of my troop to the shelter. In the forest, there was a place that 4 big fences were separating it from the outside. Fences were covered with ivy, long grasses, and some unknown wild flowers. They made fences like 4 walls. Between wetted grasses, there was a rusty door. It was the only entrance for this cube without the ceiling. When I shook the door to open it, I just heard the sound of hollowed metal. It made my blood frozen but meanwhile it was refreshing.
The smell of a rusty metal was mixed with sweating hands and it was cool. Some winged creatures were buzzing around us. The door was locked. I never tried to go inside the cube because of the fear for unfamiliar places. But that time, I was devoured by the strange desire that I had to unlock the door. Then I saw the long pink wire was swinging by wind. I thought maybe once it was red, but it was pink anyway. The end of the wire was curved like a cane and I realized that definitely there was the key for the door. Of course the key was on the land hided by small wild flowers. Friends yelled out a cheer and their eyes started shimmering with the curiosity. Finally we entered the cube.
What I saw at first were dancing dandelions. Spores of white old dandelions were scattered in the air and the field was covered up by yellow dandelions which were swaying in the soft breeze. Sparrows were flying inside. The cube was filled of big black machines but they all were covered with grasses. The smell of fresh grass and flowers seized my nose. Small insects kept buzzing near my ears. It was amazing. It was really beautiful. I was nine years old. But the most beautiful scene that l ever saw in my life was that landscape. No one spoke. One of my friends closed the door so slightly. It was calm and warm. The sun shined in the clear sky. The harmony of rusty machines and the nature reminded me of the destroyed civilization which I saw in the book.
I left the village when I was 12 years old. And I went there again when I was 20 years old. The village had changed. I walked down the street and I found the cube. And I could realize that for 8 years, the secret place was changed and most of things that I missed so much were just from my imagination. The cube was small than I thought. And strange machines inside were the machine that providing electricity for houses. But still dandelions were swaying in the breeze. The smell of a rusty metal was there. I knew that the secret garden was already being the symbol of my childhood.
HyeonJu Oh
1. What did you like best about this essay? Be as specific as possible.
ReplyDeleteI liked that the writer used a lot of sensory details and focused on describing a single place. In all of the paragraphs, the writer uses the five senses to describe how she feels about the place. In particular, I liked the part where she described the first time she saw the garden in paragraph 3. I can vividly picture the scene.
2. Did the writer describe the place clearly? List any parts that were not clear to you.
The first paragraph was unclear to me. Why are "troops" at the place? Did the writer just talk about "troops" to refer to the opposing team, as she was playing a game with her friends? If so, I think it'd be better if she added more details on what kind of game she was playing. The first paragraph kind of threw me off. Was it a game of tag she was playing, or was it game of hide-and-seek?
3. Did the writer appeal to the different senses? List two sensory details that you especially liked.
Yes, she definitely did. She used many sensory details in her essay. I liked how she described the smell of the place. My favorite part was when she wrote, "The smell of a rusty metal was there." However, since rusty metal is an uncountable noun, she should leave out the "a." I also liked how she used the sense of sight to provide a vivid image for readers.
4. How would you describe the mood or the atmosphere of this place?
I think the overall mood of this place is very warm. It's a very nature-friendly environment, and to me, it seemed to be deserted and quiet like a small countryside village.
5. Why do you think the writer chose to write about this place?
I think the writer had some good childhood memories playing with her friends at this place. She isn't at the place anymore, and since she left her fun memories there, when she thought about a place, I think this place came to her mind at once.
6. How could the writer improve this essay when he or she revises? Make only one suggestion.
I think this essay would be much better if she makes her first paragraph clear. What was she exactly doing with her friends? Was it a game? Or were they not supposed to be at the place? More specific details will definitely help.
-Alyssa Yoo-
1. The detailed description of the place, "the cube", really stirred my imagination. It almost felt like I am on the particular place myself, as I read this essay. I think this was possible because the writer concentrated on a limited, specific place rather than describing much wider place, say, the woods nearby.
ReplyDelete2. Definitely. As mentioned above, the writer vividly described a specific place, which made the writing very clear. However, there was one part that confused me a little, which was "The cube was filled of big black machines but they all were covered with grasses.", because I could not understand that the cube was filled with machines and at the same time there were a lot of dandelions covering up the field.
3. Yes. Firstly, I liked this sentence, "Spores of white old dandelions were scattered in the air and the field was covered up by yellow dandelions which were swaying in the soft breeze." It made me imagine the beautiful scenery with colors of white and yellow.
Secondly, I also liked "The smell of a rusty metal was there.", because I think this sentence properly showed the contrast between what the writer felt as a kid and the writer feels now.
4. I would say this place is very mysterious and hidden, yet very beautiful.
5. I think the writer chose to write about this place because the writer has some good old memories with this place. Also, the writer seemed to have been impressed by this place very much.
6. I liked this essay very much overall. However, I would like to point out one small part, "And I could realize that for 8 years, the secret place was changed and most of things that I missed so much were just from my imagination." As I read this sentence, I got little confused whether the place has actually changed much, or it was just different from what the writer remembered.
Moses Choi